I had a really tough week.

Some of it was down to external factors but some was down to:

– having ADHD

– trying to be everything to lots of people and taking care of lots of other people

– not focusing on being everything I need to be to me and taking care of me

– encountering people, sensations and memories that are linked to a period exactly three years ago when I had a terrible time.

I work in a hard job taking care of children and families in a world where lots of people are struggling.

And sometimes it all just gets too much. Sometimes even the swimming, the yoga, the singing, the internal family systems work and the breathing don’t help and I get overwhelmed by big feelings which no amount of masking can keep down.

On Thursday night they decided enough was enough. They all came out in a terrible mix of anger, sadness, despair and panic, along with physical pain in my neck and shoulder. I think they found a chink in the armour when I stopped and let my guard down at a fabulous guitar concert.

I was ready to quit. To resign, to move, to run, to do whatever might make it all stop.

But luckily Steve listened patiently to my declarations of “I just can’t do it any more….” and reminded me that:

a) I have options

b) I have people who don’t agree with my assessment that I’m not worth being around (including him, most of the time )

c) I should probably just focus on getting through Friday, rather than the rest of my life…..

So I did. I asked a few very trusted people for help and nailed Friday.

I went for a Friday swim, had a good night’s sleep (sorry Aurora) and have got up today with a focus on getting through Saturday.

So far it’s going ok.

This is my life with ADHD.

I don’t write this for sympathy or because I am looking for help….because you all probably by now that trying to help me when I’m like this isn’t easy as I mainly want to be left to work it out of my system.

I write because for me, the writing is part of the work.

Today’s glimmers:

⁃ a lovely morning clearing the school garden and catching up with some of our fabulous parents

⁃ pictures of Daisy and Molly on the beach in the sunshine

⁃ a bath of bluebells on “peak bluebell day (according to the master)

⁃ a fab greyhound walk and catch up with Fiona

⁃ a pile of new books arriving

I don’t like the trees

Said the landowner

We don’t like you

Said the trees.

And the pot-holed road made his coffin of wood

Bump bump all the way home.

I don’t like the weeds

Said the landowner

We don’t like you

Said the weeds.

And the ache in her heart made his weed-clad widow

Sob sob all the way home.

If we don’t love the land

That we claim to own

It won’t love us back

You’ll see.

And the trees and the weeds

Won’t hear our regrets

When our welcome’s outstayed

In their home.

Out on a walk with Steve today and in search of Redstarts and/or Wood Warblers and I was reminded of the Taynish poetry book.

I came up with the poem below….and yes, I know that it’s not QUITE May yet!

I tripped

And as I almost fell

My eye did hear the tinkling bell

Of blue

Head down and singing tunes

Of woe and joy and love

So true.

I took a picture

In my mind

To carry home

And help me find

Some colour on a winter’s day

When thinking back

To sunny May.

Yesterday I had a day where I felt bad: physically, mentally and relationally. This is quite common on a Saturday when I have had a busy week at work and been in situations where I haven’t been able to stop functioning at a high level of energy and focus. The problem is that when I feel bad, there’s not much to be done about it. Where others might take a duvet day, my ADHD brain beats me up for even contemplating that and shouts at me about all the things I HAVEN’T done.
Luckily yesterday a marvellous and life saving friend reminded me of that and helped me get through it.

Anyway, I have written a poem, to balance the one I wrote yesterday when I was in the middle of it.

When I’m feeling bad

There’s little I can do

To be the one I’d rather be

The one whom lovely you

Picked out to call your friend

The one we like and love

But when I’m feeling bad

That’s how it is.

When I’m feeling bad

And sad and cross and tired

Everything I do

And say and feel is mired

In dark and tears and bleakness

And feeling all is lost

But when I’m feeling bad

That’s how it is.

When I’m feeling bad

I try and try and try

To shift it

To coach it

To look for reasons why

To stop my badness hurting you

In cross words, tone or sighs.

But when I’m feeling bad

That’s how it is.

Yesterday I felt bad

Here today I don’t

A change that is quite baffling to see.

The same sun didn’t warm me

The same hug didn’t soothe

And nothing helped me want to try or be.

And stuck in yesterday

I couldn’t see beyond

Or know that, as for kings

This too would pass.

But pass it did and now

I live in hope again

Of sunny skies

And sides of greener grass.

So next time

-And there will be-

(Though Pollyanna likes

To think that maybe, if I try

There won’t)

Please quietly remind me

And don’t let me forget

That when I’m feeling bad

That’s how it is.